I am such an avid doodler, all of my notepads are covered with pictures of flowers and hearts and houses and angels and children and stars and other random things that I am not sure what they are supposed to be. I would love to be able to turn some of these into fabric patterns for my sewing and this is what I’m hoping to get out of this online class.
I used to be someone who would do anything for a quiet life. Who wanted peace and was prepared to sacrifice her own happiness to get it. I still want peace but I understand now more than ever just what I gave up to get it in the past and I am no longer prepared to sacrifice myself for the sake of someone else. This has made me a harder person to like in my own head because part of me sees this as selfish. The rest of me tries to persuade me that its not selfish to put yourself first, and then I go round and round in my own head.
I’ve spent a lot of my life being controlled by other people, or by what I know they want of me. This doesn’t mean that they have deliberately told me to do things which I have done, but it means that I knew what they wanted me to do and did it without being told to because I knew it would make them happy. This kind of control is hard to get away from, they didn’t necessarily realise why I was acting the way I was and now that I am not acting like this any more they are confused and don’t know how to react.
Its so hard to be where I am, at nearly 40 with 4 kids and a very broken heart and to ever trust anyone again. I struggle to make new friends because if my old friends who were in my life for many years could walk away from me just like that then why can’t new ones?
And as for falling in love again, I spent a long time persuading myself that would never happen. I am too broken for that. I will never allow anyone else to hurt me in the way that I was hurt before. If someone who I have 4 kids with and loved for over 14 years could like and hurt me and not know who I am or what I need, then surely anyone can. It took me a long while to let someone else in, and then it was only because I wasn’t looking for love and had persuaded myself that nothing was ever going to happen.
I’m still very emotionally broken, loving me is never going to be easy - for me or anyone else - but I’m open and I’m trying and I’m getting there. I found this poem today online and it really spoke to me.
when it comes
if we are brave enough
to lift our eyes
and hold out our hands
and listen to the universe
when she whispers
this one.
this one for you.
and we say okay
again
again, I will try
no matter the risk
no matter my fear
no matter the grasp of grief
no matter the ridiculous odds
no matter that this one too
may leave me shattered
The rest of the poem is beautiful too.
This is story of two souls
Who are all of us, really
Who will stand today
And promise
Not as naïve children
But as fully formed hearts
Composed directly from a hundred thousand breaks
and love stories too many to count
And those two
They’ll stand there with all of that
And say yes
Yes we will love
Yes we will try
Yes we will fight and bleed and hope and live.
Yes we will slow dance and run away, and return.
And she’ll say yes, your broken is part of your beautiful to me.
And he’ll remind her that her scars
are map that tell a story
that he loved before he heard a word.
And they’ll know that they alchemy of loss
Was part of the magic that brought them here
To this space today
And they will give thanks for all the ways
They were brave enough to break
I went to my first boxercise class last night with a friend of mine who got me into Zumba a few years ago. Clearly she is my get healthy kick me up the arse friend that I so desperately need!
I had no idea that boxercise would actually involve GLOVES AND PADS AND ACTUAL HITTING. I know, I know = how silly of me NOT to realise but I thought it would be more aerobics and shadow boxing.
Anyway, I loved it. Jogging, press ups, sit ups, star jumps and HITTING. It was perfect. We joked about bringing photos to put on the pads next week to really get our anger out but honestly, there is nobody in my life at the moment who I want to hurt that much. I’m feeling quite peaceful and chilled out generally.
And I slept last night for the first time in ages which I have to put down to the exercise. I usually sleep badly when I am at home, nightmares and insomnia kick my butt. When I’m at Dave’s house I sleep a bit better, I think its a safety thing. When I am here at home with the kids I am in charge and need to look after them. This sometimes seems to keep me up all night worrying but when I’m at his I have nothing to worry about. The kids are safe with their dad and I can shut down and relax and just curl up and sleep. I still have nightmares but waking up crying with him next to me makes it easier to turn over and go back to sleep.
So I think I’ll be going back to boxercise again and again. Getting fit, having fun and punching. What could be better?
This post is really just a reminder to me that I feel better mentally when I exercise. I’m not feeling great at the moment, my off the cuff reply to the “how are you?” question would be stressed, but I actually have less to be stressed about now than I have had previously. I think its because I’m not sleeping well at the moment, everything then seems harder.
What I need is a week to sort out my baggage. I have rooms full of junk that need sorting out, lots to throw away, some to sell, some to give away or just pack up properly. I think that if I could get that done AND start running again I’d feel a lot better.
Maybe that should be my goal for Feb, start to sort out my physical space and get exercising again…..
One of my biggest worries about having 4 children of such different ages and needs is making sure that each one of them feels like they get the right amount of quality time with me. My eldest is 13 and I know that we have good time alone to chat about anything and everything. She talks to me about her day, her worries and is not afraid to ask me “embarrassing” questions, even if this is sometimes done from behind a cushion. We have an agreement that I will answer any question she asks me as honestly as I can and that I will never be upset with her for telling me something that I dont want to hear. Over the last year she has sometimes asked me questions that I don’t want to answer, but I have, and has told me that things that I do have upset her in some way. I always try and modify my behaviour so that it doesnt have a negative effect on the kids wherever possible, or talk it through with her if its something that’s important to me. I love my relationship with her, its very healthy and I hope I manage to keep it this way for as long as possible.
Beccause I work from home I have a lot of time with my youngest while the others are at school. Her and her nanny are often home for lunch and if so I try and sit with them and eat. She pops in and out of my office when they are at home and I’ve got used to her little voice shouting hello and goodbye when they are coming in and out of the front door. Although its only snippets of time with her I never say no to her appearing with a book in my hand and climbing on my knee while I’m working. My photobooth app is full of cheesy faced pics of the 2 of us and there is a special place in my heart for our one on one time.
Its a lot harder with the middle 2. My son and I have a scant 20 minutes a week in the car together with nobody else around. Part of our routine is to do a quiz on the radio together which we both look forward to and of course there are the times when we are on our way to trumpet practice but that really doesnt count. He does sleep in bed with me once a week which is nice for both of us but I am conscious that he doesnt get as much quality one on one time with me. I often go and lay on his bed and chat to him while he is hanging out in his room but I feel like more of an annoyance sometimes. He is good at coming to find me when he needs me and he gets one evening a week at his dads without any of the girls there and I hope that this time with his dad is worth a lot to him.
My middle girl again gets less time with me than the others. We go to ballet together once a week which is a nice bit of time without the other children and she does like me to curl up on the sofa and watch a film with her every now and again. She reads to me and we chat while she is in the bath but I feel like its less time than the others get.
This is the challenge. With a full time job and only 5 days a week with the children anyway due to the (important) time thy send with their dad, is it possible to give everyone the level of attention that I think they deserve? I have to trust my instincts and carve time out as and when I think it is needed. I don’t suppose this will ever feel like enough for my mum guilt but its a step in the right direction.
I believe that every woman should be able to make her own choices in life and be supported and encouraged to achieve what she wants to achieve. Some women choose not to be mothers, others choose to have children at either a far younger or older age than we might approve of. So what? Some women may find themselves in a situation that they really don’t want to be in but choose to handle it in a certain way, maybe you don’t approve of the way that they live their life but really, why should that give you the right to critisicse.
I chose to be a mother. I chose to go back to my job in the city when the children were small. I chose to send them to nursery. I chose to be the one who dropped them off every morning and picked them up every evening and who spent as much time as possible with them in the mornings, eevenings and weekends.
There came a point when I chose to give up my career in the city and set up my own business. At this point the children were in school and nursery from 9 - 3 and I would choose to be with them outside of these hours. When the pressure of looking after 4 children every night from 3pm as well as cooking dinner, managing a house and still trying to run a company became too much for my mental health to handle I chose to interview and hire a nanny to work in my home from 8 - 6 every day.
The cost of this was comparable with full time care for the youngest 2 and holiday care for the eldest. It gave me the freedom to still be around the house but to be able to concentrate on work during set hours and children during other hours. It gave me flexibility within a set framework and it gave my children another adult in the house in addition to my husband and me who loved them and who they could talk to about anything.
When I chose to leave my husband, being able to keep the same routine with childcare was important for my children. Their lives may have been turned upside down but they still had her there every day. SHe looked after them at whichever house they were at during the initial upheaval and was a constant, supportive and loving presence in their lives that they could (and did) turn to with questions, tantrums and just for hugs.
Many times over the last 18 months I have realised that if I stopped working full time and sacked my nanny I would be financially better off. However, I need to work. This is my choice, to be a working mum who spends every spare second she has with her children and when she can’t be with them, provides them with someone who loves them and cares for them in a brilliant way. I do work from home so many times I have been asked why I need childcare at all. Can’t I just have the children with me?
My stock answer to this is that I work from 9 - 5. I usually say to the person who has asked me, “could you take a 3 year old to work with you every day? Could you leave work at 3 to pick up 3 children from 2 different schools and run them around to after school clubs and get their homework done and arrange their social lives with their friends without your boss getting upset?”
Working from home is still working. Yes, I love the fact that I can go and have lunch with my youngest one most days and that when the kids start to arrive back from school they one at a time run up to my study and sit on the floor and tell me about their day and do their homework with me. But during all of this, I am at work. I am in front of my mac, working. Its a brilliant, flexible way of working that suits me down to the ground because I can choose to have my lunch break at 3.30 on a Monday so that I can take my boy to trumpet lessons. Or at 4 on a Thursday so I can watch my 6yo do her ballet class.
But this is the life I choose and and I couldn’t do it without childcare.
It upsets me that women are not more supportive of each other. There seems to be a lot of bitching and criticising of other women rather than a shared understanding that whatever choice a woman makes, however she decides to live her life - she will be facing struggles and difficulties. The struggles I faced as a mum of 2 with a high level job in IT in the city and a husband at home are totally different to the struggles I face as a single mum of 4 who works from home in a creative field but that doesn’t mean they are any less valid.
I would love to live in a world where women supported each other. Where differences were accepted and even celebrated. Where it was OK to live your life the way you want to, even if it wasn’t the way someone else would choose to live.
I think that’s a tall order though, isn’t it?
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