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If you’ve never loved your best friend so much that it breaks your heart every time you see them hurt,

If you’ve never walked through the streets crying trying to find your best friend who you know is going to try and kill themself,

If you’ve never hugged your best friend so tightly you never want to let go and then walked out of their house knowing that their husband beats them but knowing that you can’t make them leave,

If you’ve never wrestled pills from your best friend’s hand and hidden them so that they won’t take them all at once,

If you’ve never crept up stairs in the dark and found your best friend lying on the floor sobbing like their heart is broken and lay down with them and hugged them and cried with them,

If you’ve never stood up to your best friend’s husband and told them that if they ever touch her again you’ll call the police on them,

If you’ve never lay awake for nights on end worrying that you will never see your best friend again,

If you’ve never agreed to pass on certain special items to your best friend’s family if and when they take their own life,

If you’ve never held your best friend in your arms while they ask you why over and over again, why doesn’t he love me, why does he hurt me,

If you’ve never done ANY of this then you don’t know where I am right now. As I promise to be her friend forever and to stand by her no matter what he does to her or she does to herself or the rest of the world do to them. As I tell her I will love her forever and be there by her side forever because this is what I do for people that I love, even though every time I look at her bruised face and body I want to cry, every time I walk out of there I wonder if I’ll see her alive again, every time I hug her I dont want to let her go.

Its been a hard few weeks for me, but I know it is harder for her. She’ll survive this if I have any say in it. The other option is just unbearable.

 

I spent a week away from home last week, the children were with their dad and I decided that rather than working from home in my empty house and watching the kids walk past my front door to school every day that I would decamp to my boyfriends house and work there for the week. This turned out to be a genius idea for the following reasons :

• he bought me tea in bed every morning
• I had someone to chat to over lunch
• when I finished work at 5 he was there waiting for me and we cooked dinner together and then spent all evening together
• he would sneak into his front room and bring me glasses of water, bars of chocolate or cups of tea throughout the day

It was really relaxing, if I’d been at home I would have had housework and washing and tidyng up to do after work but being somewhere else made it so chilled out.

It was good to pick up the kids and get home though, a week away from them is about as long as I can stand without getting too sulky. Its good to be home but I do miss that morning cup of tea being bought to me in bed while I’m not really awake. Wonder if I can train up the children?

Today the kids and I have done nothing. More than nothing, less than nothing, nothing. We havent got dressed, or left the house (other than to feed the rabbit that is) or done anything at all. Our lives are so busy with after school clubs and visiting friends and family and all the to and fro from their dads house to here that sometimes its nice to do nothing on a Sunday.

When we are at home on a Sunday we have a cooked breakfast, followed by a big meal at 3 ish and then pudding for supper. Todays pudding was home made chocolate cheesecake baked by Brooke - my 13yo mini me. She is such a treasure.

I love it when we end the week this way - makes the next few days of total chaos and running around seem manageable.