I used to be someone who would do anything for a quiet life. Who wanted peace and was prepared to sacrifice her own happiness to get it. I still want peace but I understand now more than ever just what I gave up to get it in the past and I am no longer prepared to sacrifice myself for the sake of someone else. This has made me a harder person to like in my own head because part of me sees this as selfish. The rest of me tries to persuade me that its not selfish to put yourself first, and then I go round and round in my own head.
I’ve spent a lot of my life being controlled by other people, or by what I know they want of me. This doesn’t mean that they have deliberately told me to do things which I have done, but it means that I knew what they wanted me to do and did it without being told to because I knew it would make them happy. This kind of control is hard to get away from, they didn’t necessarily realise why I was acting the way I was and now that I am not acting like this any more they are confused and don’t know how to react.
I dont react well to being told what to do.