3 years ago this month I was a mess. I had accepted that some things in my life were never going to be the way I thought they were. I had admitted to myself that after 12 years I no longer loved my husband and that we needed to split up. We had 3 children but I knew in my heart of hearts that I had had enough. Not because he was a bad man, he wasn’t, and not because I had fallen in love with anyone else, I hadn’t. Just because I was unhappy, fed up of compromising and changing and bending over backwards to be someone that I wasn’t, and that I didn’t want to be. A counsellor told me once that just because you CAN be flexible enough to put everyone else first and change your self doesn’t mean you SHOULD. Words that have stuck with me.
I had summoned up the courage to talk to my husband, at the weekend I told myself. This was on the Monday. Then on Tuesday I woke up and was sick. Nerves I thought. I have always reacted physically to emotional distress. I went to bed early to try and feel better. Wednesday, I was sick again. I pushed it to the back of my mind and went into work. Wednesday night I could barely stay awake until the children went to bed at 7.30. When I woke up Thursday morning and was sick again I could no longer ignore what was staring me in the face. The elephant in the room that I was trying desperately to ignore was still there and it wasn’t going away anywhere.
So I bought a pregnancy test. And sat in the toilet at work waiting for the result, which was negative. I breathed the BIGGEST sigh of relief. Thank god I wasn’t pregnant. I felt like a weight had been lifted from me, I was OK. My period was late because I was stressed out and unhappy. I was being sick and feeling so tired because I was stressed out and unhappy. Everything was going to be OK. I could save myself from unhappiness and move forwards with my life. I put the cap back on the pregnancy test, dropped the stick back into my bag and went back to my desk.
Friday came around, I was keen to get the working week out of the way so that I could speak to hubby and start the process of breaking his heart. That may sound cruel but by the time I had allowed myself to admit that I was unhappy the relief was immense. I didn’t WANT to hurt anyone but I was hurting and I had to stop it. Around 11am Friday my colleague asked if anyone had any painkillers, I rummaged in the bottom of my handbag to find some paracetamol for her and my hand brushed past the pregnancy test. I picked it up and looked at it, it was positive. The shock felt like I had been punched in the stomach. How could this be? I kept it together for long enough to throw the painkillers across the office then ran to the toilet with the pregnancy test up my sleeve.
What had gone wrong? It was negative yesterday, how could it be positive today? Which was true? Had I not waited long enough for the results yesterday, I thought that I had. Had something spilled on it in my bag to change the result, that wouldn’t happen. Oh my god. What was I going to do?
I took an early lunch and went out and bought 3 more tests. I took them all. They were all positive. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I was pregnant. What was I going to do?
Of course the options were limited. As unhappy as I was with the situation I knew I could never have an abortion. I was healthy, there was no reason that the pregnancy couldn’t go ahead. I cried all afternoon at work. Nobody knew what to say to me, nobody knew what was wrong. I went home on time and faced my husband in the kitchen.
“what’s wrong?” he said
“I’m pregnant” I said
The look on his face will haunt me forever. He was thrilled. He looked like a kid in a candy shop. Its like we were negative images of each other, both with totally opposing emotions.
He couldn’t understand why I was so unhappy. I couldn’t tell him. How could I?
I told him I didn’t want another baby, that I wasn’t emotionally able to cope. That the business was my baby. That I had always wanted 3 children. That I didn’t know how I’d manage. I cried for weeks. I was so worried that I wouldn’t love the baby when it was born but I knew that I would go through with the pregnancy. I saw it as a sign from God. Maybe I wasn’t supposed to walk away from this marriage? Maybe this was God’s way of saying to me, stick it out. Everything will be OK.
Gradually I got used to the idea. We told family and friends who were thrilled for us, but thought we were mental. I admitted to very few people how scared I was to be pregnant and to nobody the real reason for that fear. It was the hardest pregnancy of all 4. But we made it. My gorgeous girl was born and I fell in love with her the second she was placed on my chest. Before then even. My worst nightmares had not come true, I could love her.
Now I can’t imagine my life without her. She completes my family in a way I never knew was possible. I didn’t even know that I was incomplete until she was born, but I was. She is everything I dreamed she would be and more. My funny, grown up, gorgeous little girl who I didn’t plan and to be quite frank didn’t want to start with. I don’t know if I will ever tell her this story, maybe when she is a mum herself.
She thrills me every minute of the day. Sometimes when she is asleep I creep into her room and look at her, and think of what my life would be like without her. I say a prayer of thanks that she was given to our family.
But, 3 years later, here we are again. I’ve learned that a baby is not the right way to save a marriage. I’ve learned that I am strong enough to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders for a very long time and to put everyone else before myself. I’ve learned that I can continue to exist in this bubble, not feeling very much at all for ever if I want to. But I don’t want to. Its time to admit to myself that it has to be about me and the children from now on. And this time I can guarantee I won’t find out I’m pregnant again before I find the words to make the other 5 people around this breakfast table unhappy.
Do I have the right to do that? To make them unhappy for the sake of my own happiness. What makes me think that my own happiness is worth more than all of theirs put together? Is it?
Its a rocky road. And I see myself at the bottom of a really big hill. Its a long way up that hard, rocky road and I have no idea what will be on the other side. Maybe more rocks and unhappiness, but maybe there will be a big green field of grass and flowers. Who knows! Who wants to climb that hill with me?