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It’s been over a year since I’ve blogged here. A lot has happened in that year. To summarise, I left my husband, moved away from my family home with my 4 kids and started again. No home, few possessions, no friends, no proper job, no confidence. It wasn’t a fun time. In fact, from May - November 2012 was the darkest period in my whole life, ever. But I’m still here, still breathing and happier now than I’ve ever been in my life.

I did have another blog which I turned to in the dark days, I may well import the entries here sometime but they are painful for me to read at the moment. (note - too late, imported them, lets keep everything together shall we?)

So whats going on with me now? Well, the kids and I are settled and happy in our new home. Their dad is still as good a dad as he ever was and they see him lots. We have 7 animals - all of whom are as crazy as the rest of us - and a whole lot of fun. Things feel normal for the first time in ages.

Workwise I’ve found a little niche for myself and am working on lots of copywriting and design projects. I’m doing some data entry and other adminy bits at the same time. I’m still very very broke but getting through it. Not sure how much else I could ask for at the moment.

I’m learning who I am and what I can and can’t do. I am slowly learning to trust again and tentatively making new friends and getting out there into the real world. Its difficult and scary but it is what it is. I long to be the person that I was 12 years ago. The girl who loved and trusted 100%, without hesitation. Who knew that the world was a good place, who had never doubted herself or the people who loved her. Who had never been hurt. But I know I will never be her again, the best I can ask for is to be me. Me, with all my baggage. If I could work out how to do that then I think I would have the world at my feet.

The picture? Its a hill that I run up, and down. Up and down until the tears run down my face and my legs and chest hurt and I feel as though I can’t breathe through the pain any more. Then I know I’m alive and I am going to be OK.

Sunday 24th June

3am - 4am : get up, get Brooke up, straighten her hair, drive to school
4am - 4.30am : wait at school for late minibus drivers
4.30am - 8.30am : drive to Manchester velodrome for the National Cheerleading championships with 20 pre teens
8.30am - 9.00am : park, get off minibus, check in
9.12am - 9.16am : Our team performs their routine in front of about 500 people at the Velodrome. They are amazing, no drops and really in time. I cry with pride
9.17am - 5.00pm : we sit on tiny seats in the Velodrome and watch the remaining 104 teams perform their routines. (with a small break to walk to Asda to buy a dress, which I’m wearing today, and to get some much needed fresh air)
5.00pm - 5.30pm : Presentation and results. We get 6th place, collect trophy and run for the minibus
5.30pm - midnight : horrendous drive home from Manchester including the A1 being shut, us getting lost and lots of hyper girls singing.
midnight - to 00.15 : drive home from school, collapse into bed until 6am this morning.

As much as it was a LONG, tiring and stressful day for all of us it was the best day I’ve had in a long while. I was so proud of my big girl, how brave of them to get out there on stage in front of the judges and so many people watching and perform. I am especially proud of the fact that a few years ago we didn’t think Brooke would be able to join in with activities like this, all it took yesterday was a bit of special treatment and a form to fill out and she was just the same as all the other girls. I hope when she is older she’ll be happy to speak out about what she is going through and let other girls know that its not the end of the world and that you can have a normal life but I respect her wishes at the moment where she doesn’t talk about it to anyone. It made me want to shout it out to the world yesterday though so that everyone knows just how special she is. I love my kids so much.

I cried twice, once at our team and once at the disabled cheerleading squad and at the reaction that all the other cheerleaders gave them. Its the first time I’ve been involved with the UK cheerleading scene and I was impressed at both the quality of the cheers and also the sportsmanship of the squads. Its great to see them all lined up in the spectators area cheering on the other teams and generally having a good day. It was a real girl power day, there were a few boys competing and some dads in the audience but on the whole it was about the girls, with Beyonce’s “Who Rules the world? Girls!” some featuring in a fair few of the routines.

Now all I need is some sleep and I’ll be happy!

Where has it gone? Its been a busy week for me, not much running but lots of cycling and sorting stuff out and making plans and organising stuff. I’ve enjoyed it on the whole I think. I’ve had lots of people in and out of the office with me, when I decided to keep on the office after ACM I knew it would be too big for me to manage on my own with my new business plans being small for a while and not able to carry the rent. I’ve had ads out there to rent out some of the space to other people and its been nice to have them in the office this week.

The first batch of the mags are due out end of next week, how strange its going to be to see them on the shelves. I’ll be able to pinch a copy of SH and MQ from Jenna and mum (esp as one of my kids is in this issue of SH modeling a dress that was shot a while ago) I think that this will be the final stage in my letting go, seeing the magazines out there without my name on and without having held their hands from concept through to publishing. End of an era, but in a good way.

I’ve been applying for jobs but not been too successful at getting interviews, there is a fair amount of work out there though so I’m hopeful that its just a matter of time before either my new plans work out or I land a proper job with someone else…

All this cycling into work has been a nightmare for a couple of reasons, the rain makes the track really muddy so I often get here covered in mud splash! What is also hard is that the trees are growing over the track so there are a couple of spots where I have to duck down to avoid cycling into a low hanging branch type thing, its like an obstacle course… Then there is the fact that my fave jeans have been ripped to shreds by my bike this week, just the right leg. I need an elastic band or buldog clip or something.

I sat at my desk yesterday and patched the hole. Not sure how long it will last. I nicked some scraps of fabric from Jenna and sewed them inside the hole leaving it so that you could see the fabric from through the jeans, if that makes any sense at all. I’ll try and take some pics to show how it looks. It does the job, hole fixed but unless I sort out the jeans v bike problem I think its going to be an ongoing issue.

Apart from my Anneka rice impression where I ran around the airport with a wallet in my hand trying to find the person who I had dropped off and who had gone through passport control without their wallet that’s about all that has happened this week. Its all about the kids for me next week so less work work and more home work. I plan to spend at least some of it walking around the house in my new shoes that I got for my birthday, breaking them in before an important meeting I have booked in for the week after next. Bring on the blisters.