It’s been over a year since I’ve blogged here. A lot has happened in that year. To summarise, I left my husband, moved away from my family home with my 4 kids and started again. No home, few possessions, no friends, no proper job, no confidence. It wasn’t a fun time. In fact, from May - November 2012 was the darkest period in my whole life, ever. But I’m still here, still breathing and happier now than I’ve ever been in my life.
I did have another blog which I turned to in the dark days, I may well import the entries here sometime but they are painful for me to read at the moment. (note - too late, imported them, lets keep everything together shall we?)
So whats going on with me now? Well, the kids and I are settled and happy in our new home. Their dad is still as good a dad as he ever was and they see him lots. We have 7 animals - all of whom are as crazy as the rest of us - and a whole lot of fun. Things feel normal for the first time in ages.
Workwise I’ve found a little niche for myself and am working on lots of copywriting and design projects. I’m doing some data entry and other adminy bits at the same time. I’m still very very broke but getting through it. Not sure how much else I could ask for at the moment.
I’m learning who I am and what I can and can’t do. I am slowly learning to trust again and tentatively making new friends and getting out there into the real world. Its difficult and scary but it is what it is. I long to be the person that I was 12 years ago. The girl who loved and trusted 100%, without hesitation. Who knew that the world was a good place, who had never doubted herself or the people who loved her. Who had never been hurt. But I know I will never be her again, the best I can ask for is to be me. Me, with all my baggage. If I could work out how to do that then I think I would have the world at my feet.
The picture? Its a hill that I run up, and down. Up and down until the tears run down my face and my legs and chest hurt and I feel as though I can’t breathe through the pain any more. Then I know I’m alive and I am going to be OK.