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I bought blueberries to eat for my lunch, having forgotten that I don’t actually like them. I can see some blueberry muffins in our future this weekend.

 

Yesterday was a tough one, some big progress was made in a certain area and although its one that I want progress to be made in, it still came as a bit of a shock. I didn’t cope very well and just wanted to curl up and cry. I got over it by working hard during the day and then when I got home, packed up the kids and took them over to the park to play. We played football, piggy in the middle, running races, hide and seek… I lifted them up so they could hang from the branches of the tree and caught them when their arms couldn’t hold on any more and they fell. We all lined up on the park bench so that the smallest could pretend to be driving us to sports day on a bus. We laughed, we had fun. It helped.

My husband rang me at 5.30 and told me he was on his way home, just packing up his laptop, wouldn’t be long. I asked him to buy milk. He works 30 minutes away from home. I texted him to tell him we were at the park when I left home at 6. No reply. When we got back home from the park at 7.20 he wasn’t there. I started to run a bath and get the kids ready for bed. He arrived home at 7.30. No word of apology, in fact he seemed bemused to find me upset at him. He said that he didn’t remember saying that he was packing up his laptop and wouldnt be long. Is he for real? This is why I try and follow up every phone call with an email to him, because half the time he either denies that we had a certain conversation or just says “I don’t remember”

The park had lifted me out of my low mood but this both shot me firmly back into it and at the same time reaffirmed what I was doing. I left him to bath time and changed for a run. Unfortunately when I made my way to my trainers the wound on the back of my heel from my bike accident earlier on in the week was too sore. So I decided to get back on my trusty bike and go for a cycle ride instead. My bike and I cycle about 3 miles a day too and from work but I rarely go out on it just for fun. I rode for 4 miles along tracks and had a bit of a cry while I was doing it. It helped my mood a lot.

8 miles later, I arrived home to find all the kids still up, way past their bedtime. Of course they were, what did I expect? So, put the kids to bed, cleaned out the guinea pigs and then realised I hadn’t eaten and was hungry. It was almost 9.30 by this time, late to eat but I couldn’t not. So I threw some leftovers in the oven to warm up, had a shower and sat down to eat at about 10. Hubby magically appeared around this time and we ate together, before sitting down on the sofa to watch TV. I caught the end of the Nadar match, very sad to see him knocked out but what a success story for the Czech player.

This morning I cycled into work at a more sedate pace. The picture above is part of my route into work. Some days I feel lonely and vulnerable, always looking back over my shoulder. Today the isolation made me feel peaceful. Lets see if can keep that feeling going all day.

I think it was more like 15 years ago. I was 21. I was in trouble. I was trapped in a violent, bullying relationship. I didn’t know how to escape. I was living in London miles away from my family with a man who should not have been as controlling and bullying as he was. I didnt tell anyone what was happening, I was ashamed.

I worked in Central London for a small IT company. The guys there were great. Very techy nerds but great. They didn’t know everything that was going on but they knew I was unhappy.

One day I cried all day at my desk. The guys avoided me. None of them came into the office, none of them knew how to handle a young girl crying with frustration at the way her life was turning out. I felt so alone. The next morning 3 of them were sitting in my office waiting for me. They had met up at the pub the night before to work out what to do about me.

All 3 of them drove me to my flat and helped me pack a small bag. We knew my boyfriend would be at work, he was a policeman, and that it was safe to go to the flat. They then drove me back to work and kept me busy all day. None of them would tell me what was going to happen next. At 5pm they drove me to West London. To the home of an ex member of staff who I knew fairly well. He and his wife welcomed me into their home. Their children played and entertained me. Their spare bedroom became my haven for a couple of days.

What should have felt embarrassing or overwhelming just felt normal. They looked after me, I knew it wasn’t long term but it was what I needed at the time. To feel loved and looked after and like people cared about me. After 2 days of commuting into work I began to wonder what was going to happen next.

I needn’t have wondered. The guys had a plan.

One of them was away in Frankfurt for 3 months and on the Friday night I found myself being taken to his flat. I found a note from him on his table saying make yourself at home, eat whatever you can find and use the spare wardrobe. Be nice to the neighbours, this is your home.

I cried. I stayed a while. I think that we all knew that I wouldn’t stay for ever. For some reason I wasn’t ready. I managed about 4 or 5 weeks until the urge to return was too much for me. I thought the guys would be cross but of course they weren’t. They were truly looking out for me, they wanted me to be happy.

That time on my own gave me strength. It made me realise that I could do anything. I wasn’t ready to leave Mark at the time but when it all kicked off again a few months alter I was ready. It was easier. I left and never looked back. During the months that I was back with him it was OK at work. The guys were fine with me, they asked how I was, they took me out drinking with them. Nothing had changed. I knew that they would support me whether I was with Mark or not.

BUT when I left him for good, boy were they happy. I truly don’t think I could have done it without them giving me the space to leave him in the first place. Knowing that I had a framework of support, and love, and trust behind me gave me strength. It made me feel secure and lucky. It gave me the knowledge that I would be OK, that I could do what I felt I had to with nobody thinking badly of me. It made me who I am today.

Right now? I don’t have that framework. I don’t have that support. I am dealing with these feelings on my own. No-one is going to help me. That is scary. But I still have to do what is right for me, and with 4 kids to consider - I damn well need to get it right first time. No pressure then.

Do I miss twitter? Yes

Why?

I miss the sense of community, the sense of belonging.

I miss sharing details of my life and having people validate that

I miss having something to do that prevents me from having to speak to my husband

I miss the gossip

Do I miss twitter? No

Why?

I don’t miss the feeling of dread when I open up twitter in case people are bitching about me

I don’t miss having to lock down my account

I don’t miss the cowardly way people feel they can say anything on the internet

Do I miss facebook?

No. Ha ha, that was easy.

3 years ago this month I was a mess. I had accepted that some things in my life were never going to be the way I thought they were. I had admitted to myself that after 12 years I no longer loved my husband and that we needed to split up. We had 3 children but I knew in my heart of hearts that I had had enough. Not because he was a bad man, he wasn’t, and not because I had fallen in love with anyone else, I hadn’t. Just because I was unhappy, fed up of compromising and changing and bending over backwards to be someone that I wasn’t, and that I didn’t want to be. A counsellor told me once that just because you CAN be flexible enough to put everyone else first and change your self doesn’t mean you SHOULD. Words that have stuck with me.

I had summoned up the courage to talk to my husband, at the weekend I told myself. This was on the Monday. Then on Tuesday I woke up and was sick. Nerves I thought. I have always reacted physically to emotional distress. I went to bed early to try and feel better. Wednesday, I was sick again. I pushed it to the back of my mind and went into work. Wednesday night I could barely stay awake until the children went to bed at 7.30. When I woke up Thursday morning and was sick again I could no longer ignore what was staring me in the face. The elephant in the room that I was trying desperately to ignore was still there and it wasn’t going away anywhere.

So I bought a pregnancy test. And sat in the toilet at work waiting for the result, which was negative. I breathed the BIGGEST sigh of relief. Thank god I wasn’t pregnant. I felt like a weight had been lifted from me, I was OK. My period was late because I was stressed out and unhappy. I was being sick and feeling so tired because I was stressed out and unhappy. Everything was going to be OK. I could save myself from unhappiness and move forwards with my life. I put the cap back on the pregnancy test, dropped the stick back into my bag and went back to my desk.

Friday came around, I was keen to get the working week out of the way so that I could speak to hubby and start the process of breaking his heart. That may sound cruel but by the time I had allowed myself to admit that I was unhappy the relief was immense. I didn’t WANT to hurt anyone but I was hurting and I had to stop it. Around 11am Friday my colleague asked if anyone had any painkillers, I rummaged in the bottom of my handbag to find some paracetamol for her and my hand brushed past the pregnancy test. I picked it up and looked at it, it was positive. The shock felt like I had been punched in the stomach. How could this be? I kept it together for long enough to throw the painkillers across the office then ran to the toilet with the pregnancy test up my sleeve.

What had gone wrong? It was negative yesterday, how could it be positive today? Which was true? Had I not waited long enough for the results yesterday, I thought that I had. Had something spilled on it in my bag to change the result, that wouldn’t happen. Oh my god. What was I going to do?

I took an early lunch and went out and bought 3 more tests. I took them all. They were all positive. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I was pregnant. What was I going to do?

Of course the options were limited. As unhappy as I was with the situation I knew I could never have an abortion. I was healthy, there was no reason that the pregnancy couldn’t go ahead. I cried all afternoon at work. Nobody knew what to say to me, nobody knew what was wrong. I went home on time and faced my husband in the kitchen.

“what’s wrong?” he said

“I’m pregnant” I said

The look on his face will haunt me forever. He was thrilled. He looked like a kid in a candy shop. Its like we were negative images of each other, both with totally opposing emotions.

He couldn’t understand why I was so unhappy. I couldn’t tell him. How could I?

I told him I didn’t want another baby, that I wasn’t emotionally able to cope. That the business was my baby. That I had always wanted 3 children. That I didn’t know how I’d manage. I cried for weeks. I was so worried that I wouldn’t love the baby when it was born but I knew that I would go through with the pregnancy. I saw it as a sign from God. Maybe I wasn’t supposed to walk away from this marriage? Maybe this was God’s way of saying to me, stick it out. Everything will be OK.

Gradually I got used to the idea. We told family and friends who were thrilled for us, but thought we were mental. I admitted to very few people how scared I was to be pregnant and to nobody the real reason for that fear. It was the hardest pregnancy of all 4. But we made it. My gorgeous girl was born and I fell in love with her the second she was placed on my chest. Before then even. My worst nightmares had not come true, I could love her.

Now I can’t imagine my life without her. She completes my family in a way I never knew was possible. I didn’t even know that I was incomplete until she was born, but I was. She is everything I dreamed she would be and more. My funny, grown up, gorgeous little girl who I didn’t plan and to be quite frank didn’t want to start with. I don’t know if I will ever tell her this story, maybe when she is a mum herself.

She thrills me every minute of the day. Sometimes when she is asleep I creep into her room and look at her, and think of what my life would be like without her. I say a prayer of thanks that she was given to our family.

But, 3 years later, here we are again. I’ve learned that a baby is not the right way to save a marriage. I’ve learned that I am strong enough to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders for a very long time and to put everyone else before myself. I’ve learned that I can continue to exist in this bubble, not feeling very much at all for ever if I want to. But I don’t want to. Its time to admit to myself that it has to be about me and the children from now on. And this time I can guarantee I won’t find out I’m pregnant again before I find the words to make the other 5 people around this breakfast table unhappy.

Do I have the right to do that? To make them unhappy for the sake of my own happiness. What makes me think that my own happiness is worth more than all of theirs put together? Is it?

Its a rocky road. And I see myself at the bottom of a really big hill. Its a long way up that hard, rocky road and I have no idea what will be on the other side. Maybe more rocks and unhappiness, but maybe there will be a big green field of grass and flowers. Who knows! Who wants to climb that hill with me?

I found this link via Dooce who I read religiously every weekend. It made me cry, but then I am a little overemotional at the moment. I honestly believe every parent should read it. And probably everyone who ISN’T a parent as well.

Its my birthday today! I usually share my birthday weekend with fathers day so yesterday I made lots of cupcakes that could be birthday / fathers day shared treats. When my littlest saw me this morning at around 7am she said “Happy Birthday mum, you want cupcake now?” Love you Reid but no, not RIGHT now thanks.

I’m working on my birthday this year which is unusual for me, meetings this morning and then I may bunk off this afternoon and go and do something more interesting. Like a run, or a bike ride or something.