3 x tubs of Tesco value soft cheese (or posher brand if you are not broke)
1/2 pot of Elmlea light double cream
(use the other half to pour on top of your finished cheesecake)
1 tin of light condensed milk
2 medium eggs, preferable free range
teaspoon of vanilla essence
1 bar of Tesco value milk chocolate melted (or posher brand if you are not broke)
1 bar of Tesco value white chocolate melted (or posher brand if you are not broke)
Base
1 packet of bourbon biscuits, I used Tesco value ones (shocked?) but you can use any
Some margarine
Instructions
Preheat your oven to approx 140 degrees.
Melt the marg in your microwave, start with 2 tablespoons and melt more if needed.
Crush the biscuits in a food processor or in a plastic bag by hitting it with a rolling pin.
Mix together until it forms a slightly sticky texture.
Grease a cake tin with a removable base. I used one that measured approx 15 inches in diameter.
Add the base mixture and push it down with a wooden spoon.
Put it in the freezer while you make the cheesecake mixture.
In a mixing bowl put the 3 tubs of soft cheese and mix with a wooden spoon until they are well mixed together and soft.
Add the 1/2 tub of cream, vanilla essence and 2 eggs and mix well.
Add the condensed milk, followed by the melted chocolate (30 second bursts in the microwave are the best way to melt it) and again, mix well.
Pour the mixture over the biscuit base and cook in the oven for 1.5 hours. After this time, turn off the oven and leave the cheesecake in there for a further hour before putting it in the fridge for 2 hours.
1 - I am afraid of balloons. The smell, the feel, the sound they make. Everything about them. Hate them. This is a problem every single year on the kids birthdays. And every time we go to pizza hut.
2 - I like the colour blue. I really dislike the colour orange but despite that there seems to be lots of orange in my house at the moment. Why is this?
3 - I would love to play the piano. I could actually fit a piano in my house now. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to afford both the piano and the lessons. Probably not.
4 - I have lost my reading mojo. This makes me sad. I used to read 2 books a week. I think I’ve read 3 in the last 2 months. Not sure how to get this back to be honest.
5 - I would love to ride on an elephant one day. They are my favourite animal, I don’t know why.
6 - I wrote a novel once. I would like to write another one. Its coming up to NanoWriMo. How exciting.
7 - I bite my nails, and pick my cuticles until they bleed. This is my version of self harm. I do it when life becomes too overwhelming and I can’t feel any emotion. Feeling pain proves that I’m still alive. Screwed up, huh?
8 - I always wanted to be a teacher when I was growing up, now I can’t imagine anything worse than spending all day with someone else’s children!
9 - One of my friends killed himself when we were 18 - I can go years without thinking of this and then think about it often.
10 - My best friends dad told her that he was aroused at the sight of her naked body when she was 12 - I never stayed over at her house again.
So, lets check in and see how my mental health is doing?
Since telling hubby that I was leaving him I’ve had some ups and downs in terms of mental health.
At no point have I felt like I was suffering from depression again though. That was MUCH worse than this. I’ve had feelings of being helpless and out of control, periods of not eating, not sleeping, crying uncontrollably - but I’ve not felt as totally hopeless as I did when I had depression.
2 weeks ago I had a very bad time. I kind of tipped over an edge that left me sobbing all night and then again all day at work and my closest friend putting me on suicide watch, with hourly texts and phone calls to make sure I hadn’t done anything silly. I went to the doctors and told them that I had fallen apart. That I hadn’t eaten or slept for about 40 hours. That I couldn’t see a way forward and I didn’t know what to do.
They put me back on Sertraline. I was expecting this but didnt want it. I remember how hard it was to come off them before, and how anxious I was. I remember how sick and tired they made me feel for the first 2 weeks of being on them and I didn’t feel AS bad this time as I did when I had them before.
The doctor explained that she didn’t think I was suffering from depression but that she wanted me to have some support. Some help. Something to lean on. She suggested I do a month at 50mg a day and then go back and see her and drop the dose down with a view to being on them for no longer than 3 months.
I’m kind of comfortable with this. I have taken them for 2 weeks and am getting through the feeling shit every day phase. I do feel more in control, I’m not sure if this is because of other events or the drugs but I’m not about to stop taking them and find out.
I’ve been overdue some good news this week, specifically some good financial news, and I received a little bit today.
I had an outstanding claim for a big chunk of money. It was divided into 5 parts. The first 3 parts are all joined together into one section, and then there are 2 more parts to it. I was told at the beginning that the first 4 parts were fairly guaranteed but the 5th one was a gamble. Then I learned that all 5 parts would not happen because of someone else’s total fuck up.
This almost destroyed me.
But my husband persuaded me to fight, and helped me fight, and today I received a letter saying that I would receive payment for the 5th part. No mention of the other 4 parts but now I’m obviously hoping that because I’ve won the fight on the difficult one that the others will follow tomorrow.
If you’re one of the half a dozen people who used to read here before I dramatically took it off line the other week then hi, and sorry for the brief disappearance.
You’ll notice pretty much all of the old content is no longer visble. I’ll be fixing this soon. I just need to work out how to correctly categorise and tag the posts to make it clear which are works of fiction and which are based on real life and which are totally 100% real life. As someone who makes her living writing words its not a distinction which I’m used to having to make.
From building up a protective wall about me for the last few years, to feeling vaguely unhappy for the past few months, to deciding that the only way to make myself happy again was to leave my husband, to telling him, to telling the kids, to moving out, to realising that no situation was as black and white as I had thought it was going to be, its been a really tough journey. Through it all, I feel as though I am in a much better place now than I was 6 months ago. If you asked my husband he would probably disagree as 6 months ago we were all living in the same house and he thought that everything was OK, but for me personally I am happier now than I was then.
I’m a different person now than I was. I still don’t know exactly who I am or where I’m going but I know a lot more than I did.
I know that the decision I made was the right decision for me. I know also that it was the wrong decision for my husband and probably for my children. This is hard to accept for someone like me who wants everyone around her to be happy all the time, even if that is at the expense of my own happiness.
When I told my husband that I was leaving him I honestly thought that he would react in a totally different way than he has. I knew he would be upset but I didn’t realise how much it was going to totally shake his life. I thought that I would be able to walk away and move into my new house, and settle into a routine with the kids and not look back. It hasn’t been that easy. Good god it hasn’t been that easy.
We’ve talked more in the last 6 weeks than we have ever before I think, and been more honest with each other. I’ve been really honest with him, and told him that although I still care a lot about him and will ALWAYS care a lot about him and love him that I am not in love with him. I thought that when I moved out that I wouldnt want anything else to do with him, I was totally unprepared for how very much I still worried about him, care for him and want him to be happy. Knowing that I’ve made him so unhappy hurts me, its really unfair that in order to make me happy I’ve had to hurt him so much.
The first few weeks that we were apart I felt a huge amount of pressure from him and other people to decide what was going to happen with our future. Would I move back? Or not? People seemed to want a definite response from me, whether or not I was able to give one didn’t matter to them. This was really hard for me and I told my husband that if I was pushed on it that my decision would be to walk away and not come back. I felt cornered and trapped and under a lot of pressure.
But something has changed. We have had a horrible few weeks in terms of hurt and emotions and opening up old wounds that have not been looked at for years. We have talked, and cried and argued and said things that have really hurt each other. He has done things that I never ever thought he would do and reacted in ways that I never thought he could. I’ve been disappointed at some things he has said and at the same time really pleasantly suprised by some of his actions. Doing what he has done over the last couple of weeks has taken real courage, it makes me happy.
We agreed last week that we should be friends. When I say we agreed this what I mean is that I asked him to be my friend and not consider anything else right now and he agreed. I’m still not in love with him but I want to be his friend. I love that we can hang out together with the children, spend time together and not feel awkward or uncomfortable. That I can give him a hug goodbye and a kiss on the cheek without feeling that I’m leading him on or breaking his heart all over again or anything else. I’ve been very honest about where I am and how I’m feeling and I think he has been very honest back with me. I know that his hopes are all pinned on me falling back in love with him and us growing old together. I also know that I’ve told him that I can’t currently see my future at all, I have no idea how this will pan out - whether it will be with or without him. We have 15 years of history and 4 kids together. Thats a lot to lose but its also not a reason to stay together and be unhappy, or not be yourself which is what I have been guilty of. I’ve been guilty of not being honest with him, of hiding my real self from him (and from me) because this is the easiest way to make everyone else happy. It hasn’t mattered to me that I’ve not been true to myself, until it all snowballed and squashed me and left me with no alternative but to run.
I now need to concentrate on being me. I am really enjoying being me. I like me. I don’t like who I used to be, who I’ve taught myself to be, who I became. I like this version of me. I’m happy that I can finally look in the mirror and like who I see. I’m sad that I like this version of me only now that I’m on my own. I wish it could have been different to this point. But we are where we are and it is what it is and I do feel a lot more at peace with myself than I did 6 months ago.
I’m planning on enjoying the next 6 months, continuing the counselling with hubby (and maybe on my own) and understanding more about who I allowed myself to turn into, why I did it and how I can make sure I dont do it again. I can’t ever let myself get into the vulnerable position that I’ve been in before. I am looking forward to having the time to concentrate on me and learn more about what I want and need and also be friends with my husband without feeling any pressure to move back in with him and declare ourselves fixed.
I don’t blame him for where we are now. I blame us both. Certain things have happened over the 16 years that we’ve been together that have been crap, really awful. But what has happened after those things has been equally to blame for where we are now and the wall that I built up around myself and my pretence at being OK all the time when really I have been crying inside is a big part of what has gone wrong for us.
When I made the appointment with her over text I gave her a fake name and didn’t tell her where I got her number from. When I walked in she asked me to show her photos of my family and give me the dates of birth of my children and partner. I gave her mine and the kids dates of births but didnt tell her anythign about a partner. She asked and I told her I was single. She looked at me like she didnt believe me and said OK then. She did some numerology stuff and told me so much about my kids, she knew which were boys and girls and described their personalities, health stuff and my worries about them to perfection. Then I showed her the photos of them and hubby.
She asked for hubbys date of birth as even though we are not together she said he still loves me and I’m a big part of his life. She described our relationship over the last 5 years without me telling her anything and told me that she thought that I had left him and taken nothing with me. She said that it didnt look as though I missed him or was in love with him any more or even that I missed my home or possessions. She said that I had made the right decision although it was going to be hard for the next year as hubby wouldnt want to let me go and would fight with me as much as he could. She described a lot of his actions so far and said that he would make certain threats, some of which he already had. She told me to be careful. I cried. She said that she didn’t see any danger in my future but she did see lots of anger.
She told me that the next 6 months were going to be a struggle financially and that after March next year I would be in a much better place ££ wise. She told me that she was very confused about my current job (haha, aren’t we all) and that she didn’t understand it at all. She said it should be a short term job as there was more out there for me and this was good for me at this stage of my life but not for long.
She told me that my hubby had accused me of having an affair a lot and that although there was someone in my life now that I would probably have a relationship with that I shouldn’t at the moment because I had to be wholesome and make sure hubby had nothign to throw back at me. She said that he would react very badly if he saw me with someone else and that I should just be very careful what I do or say around him. She said I should enjoy the next year and date lots of people and have lots of fun (oh, OK then) but that I would settle down in about a years time and have 2 more children. Ha ha ha ha ha. Oh god, really? Do I have to?
She got the family shit spot on with everythign that she said about financial support vs emotional support and my mothers realationship with me. She talked about some of the businessy type plans that my best buddy and I have been making and said that while they would never make me millions I would be able to support my children and myself and that I would be comfortable.
There was so so much more but she knew enough to make me believe in it all over again. For me the big areas that I wanted to talk about were had I made the right decision in leaving hubby and what the hell was happening with me ££ wise. I actually wasn’t bothered about the love information but she did keep going on about I would meet the perfect person and settle down with them. I told her I wasn’t convinced by that but she just smiled. She said there was nothing bad in my cards at all, apart from the need to be careful with hub and make sure I protect and look after myself. She said that the kids would be fine and that whatever else happened hub and I would always be great parents, but that we would probably never be able to be good friends. He would always love me and although he will also remarry that I should ask for a divorce sooner rather than later.
So, what do I think? I’m glad she didn’t say that I had made the biggest mistake of my life. I am sad that she thinks hub will continue to make it hard for me and that I need to ask for a divorce. I was hoping we could drift along as we are for a while and I think we might just do that. I’m not strong enough yet to ask for a divorce. What she said about things that happened last weekend made me slightly scared, how could she know so much when I told her so little. I really just sat there and stared and nodded and shook my head. I didn’t volunteer anything. I arrived looking like shit with my nails bitten to the quick having had a cry in the car on the way over yet she didn’t assume from those signs that I was the one who had been left, she knew I had walked and she knew I was happy about it.
It was an amazing experience and although there were 2 things she said in the half hour that made me think, “no, you’re not right about that” she was amazingly accurate with everything else. Frighteningly accurate in fact.
I have lots of blog posts written and scheduled but I’m struggling with my voice at the moment. I seem to be doing OK on twitter where conversations are fast paced and short but find that I re-read my blog posts and can’t connect with them. I still have a long way to go until I feel completely at peace with myself, I’ve been in my new house for almost a month and yet still don’t feel as though I’ve found my routine.
Now that we are getting into the swing of kid arrangements and who has them on which nights I think it will be easier. I need to get out there and make some friends locally. I need to exercise more. I’m losing weight which is great (I want to lose about 3 stone in all to get back to where I was at my happiest) but that is only because I’m hardly eating anything, I need to make sure I keep up my running and cycling. I miss the 4 miles a day on my bike to and from my old job near my old house.
On the days that I don’t have the kids I also don’t have a car so I need to cycle to get anywhere. If I can sneak in a run most days instead of a lunch hour then I think I’ll be well on my way to trying to get fitter.
So much going on in my head I’m struggling to get it out and focus. I think I just need to get back into the habit of writing every day whether or not I think its good writing.
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