Tomorrow is a big day for me. Not because I’m spending pretty much the whole day on a school trip with my daughter and the rest of her 5 year old friends, but because I should find out some interesting news that has the ability to shape my future. Interesting, much?
I lay in bed last night, watching the wall, waiting for sleep to find me; but it seems that I was hiding myself too well as the minutes ticked by into hours and I still lay there wide awake, facing the wall. I could feel the weight of the world on my shoulders, literally as my husband was asleep behind me with his arm and leg thrown over me, not in a close or comforting way - it felt controlling, like he was holding me in place and not letting me go, quite literally. He had told me before we went to bed that he wouldn’t move out of the family house and he wouldn’t let me leave him. That us splitting up was not an option for him and so therefore it wouldn’t happen. That he wasn’t prepared to lose his kids or fuck up his life (his words) The only problem in our marriage is me it would seem and he is quite happy and prepared to carry on as we are at the moment until I sort myself out and then things can go back to normal. I lay there, awake and crying and remembered the nights over the last 15 years when I would feel comforted and safe by having him sleeping so soundly next to me in bed. When his touch meant something positive, the love he felt for me was a selfless love, when we had a future and a family and a life ahead of us.
Now everything feels like pressure and demands to me. I know that he doesn’t really love me, although he would argue this point until he was blue in the face, he is too selfish for that. He will think nothing of waking me up at 2am to tell me that he loves me even when he knows I am ill, tired, didn’t get to bed until midnight and have to be up pre 6am. The last time he did this I told him that I was happy that he loved me but please could he write me a note next time he was awake at that time and I was asleep or send me a text / email / find some other way to let me know that didn’t involve waking me up and disturbing me. He was upset, told me I was selfish and that he had the right to wake me up when he wanted to because I was his wife and if sleep was more important than him then I had a problem. He sees me as something that belongs to him, I think.
He knows that I am unhappy generally with my life, he knows that other areas of my life are falling apart and he knows that I am especially vulnerable at the moment. He also knows that I am unhappy in our relationship, he knows that I believe he may be cheating on me and that I’ve told him repeatedly for the last 6 months that he treats me like one of the children and I’m not prepared to take it any more. This last year has been when I need him the most, when I need nothing more than my best friend who I married to hug me and to tell me everything would be OK. But what I actually have is someone who tells me that its my fault that bad things happen to me. Who controls me, who tells me that I am at fault regularly. Who complains that I don’t want sex as much as I used to, that he doesn’t think I love him any more. Who tells me that he is ashamed of the way that I look, that he hopes the children grow up to have more pride in themselves than me. Who tells me that he loves me, that I am perfect, that he wouldn’t change anything about me in one breath and then tells me that because I roll the children’s socks up wrong the whole world will end, and it will all be my fault with the next breath.
I can only deal with so much and I can’t take it any more. As I lay in bed last night all I wanted was for him to get off me, to stop touching me, to stop controlling me and making me feel that I wasn’t good enough. All I wanted to do was to pick up my kids and walk out.
But then this morning I had to tell the kids that one of their pets died yesterday. And my 4 year old sobbed and sobbed like her little heart was going to break. And I thought, how can I be the one to upset them so much by taking them away from their dad. I’m a mess. I know that for ME leaving him is 99% the right thing to do. But the kids, its not their fault I’m unhappy now. Ugh.
I am one of these people who need to sleep. Lots. I can’t get away with just a few hours a night, 8 is perfect for me, 6 is just about bearable. I’ve been blessed with 4 children who sleep amazingly well. The youngest one slept through the night from about 3 weeks old, despite being breastfed. When I say slept through the night, she would sleep for 8 hours, rousing about half way through for a dreamfeed. Perfect.
Now all 4 of them go to bed between 7.30 and 8 and I rarely hear from any of them before 6am the next morning. I’d love it to be 7 but there you go. Last night was different however.. Hubby worked nights and I went to bed at about 10,30 after watching the first 2 episodes of Dexter series 6. Hubby got up at 11.30 to go to work and woke me up doing so. The youngest had a nightmare about biscuits at 2.30 and I had to get up to settle her. Then at 3.30 the next one up wet the bed so I had to shower her, strip the bed, remake it etc. At 4.30 it was time for another biscuit nightmare from the youngest and then at 5.30 hubby came in from work. At 6.15 the littlest one came bounding into my bedroom shouting “hello, hello, I awake now” and waving a flag. I decided to break all my rules about TV and we are now sitting on the sofa watching Gnomeo and Juliet.
She loves this film, she has memorised pretty much the whole film, its odd to hear her speaking along with all the little characters on the screen. My grown up funny little 2 year old. The big kids will be cross when they come down and find us watching the forbidden TV. Lucky for me the weather looks OK so that I can take them out to the forest or something. Having to keep them all quiet while hubby sleeps off his nights work is hard if we can’t leave the house.